An Update, Finally!

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Yea, I figured I should update in the event anyone was curious what had been going on in my life since December.

Uhm, work. The other bather left, and then we hired a new one. She's still there and apparently is enjoying that work more than going to school to be a teacher. Also hired another bather who plans to go to academy. I decided against going for various reasons. I'm getting pretty good hours and though they'll be getting cut to be sure the new bather has the dogs she needs for academy my salon manager has already arranged for me to get more hours out in the store to make up for it, so I won't be losing anything. I was also recommended for and accepted a spot on a team that will be doing the planograms and stuff the last Sunday of every month to get ready for the next month.

Personally. Rammstein is doing a North America tour. I've been trying to get tickets for when they're in Jersey (about the same length of time from here to there as from here to Toronto) and I may have to buy them off of StubHub. They'll be there in May so I still have a while to figure that out.

My Jeep finally got its inspection. Still need to clean it out though and check and see if they did a tune-up or not. I was having problems with its hood that haven't cleared up even though they "fixed" it (what it was originally in for when it was inspected). It's not latching properly. Particularly on one side but sometimes on both sides so only the center latch is "holding it down" (but just barely). Hopefully now that the weather is warming up the damn thing will stay down.

I...honestly have no idea what else. They're talking at work about a trip to a drag show about an hour away and then a stop at a porn shop on the way back. No idea when that's supposed to be but a few of us were invited along.

Did I mention the Mini Schnauzer I was considering? Well, after a lot of thinking I decided against it and that it really wasn't time.

The other Sunday I called about an Irish Terrier that an elderly lady was looking to rehome because she couldn't handle her herself (she was the husband's dog) and if she couldn't find a home she'd have to send her to a shelter. After a lot of thinking I called and she said that some friends of her daughter were going to try her out and she'd give me a call if it didn't work out. Haven't gotten a call so I'm guessing it worked out, which is good because I still wasn't sure that it was time or that it was the right dog.

Otherwise...I can't be sure but I think I'm beginning to get a bit tired of my job. To be honest that idea is kind of frustrating on top of certain other things going on, but I don't have as much patience as I used to and as a result it's kind of stressful. Hopefully it's a phase or something. We'll see.

It's December

Haha, was the title obvious enough?

Anyways, noticed I hadn't updated in a while and...figured I should before work, while I have the motivation. I agreed to come in a few hours early, though I so wish I were waiting for the Rammstein concert in NYC rather than work. Ah well, I just hope I can catch the next tour (when?) in Europe. I guess this is part of being "grown up," haha.

Okay, on to the updates.

The bathers at work are dropping like flies!! The other "primary" bather, who was planning to go to academy, hates it and is planning to quit once a new bather is hired; another bather took her technical and is a groomer now; and when I got the call today to see if I could come in a few hours early I was told that the third bather quit (not too big of a deal as she was only working one day a week). So...more hours at least!

I'm liking my job better so I'm not too bothered by all of this, and I certainly like a nicer paycheck, so I'll take it.

Let's see...what else...I was looking into getting a Green-Cheeked Conure (as probably the only people who read this know) and had all the research done, everything decided and whatnot. Spoke to my ma about it and she said no, that she really doesn't want anymore animals in the house. I kind of figured she might say no, so...not that big of a deal even if I do really like the bird. I was going to use my employee holiday coupon(s) to get it, but instead I'm looking into getting the grooming stuff I've been thinking of getting for a while (my own shears, clippers, brushes, all that jazz -- though not all of it I can buy from PetSmart). No biggie.

She said a while ago that I could get a second dog, however, and since I was keeping track of an ad for a Miniature Schnauzer a few hours away I was encouraged to e-mail about her (thanks, Kamie -- and that was sincere). She is still available, so I've started getting information about her. Given the sort of trip it would entail I have to wait until I have at least one day off anyways...maybe I can finally get my rent deposit back, too...

I'm still being encouraged to go to academy for grooming. I'm...still not sure. I still have some things I need to think about and figure out before I make a decision, but I have until February and it's not going by too fast so I'm not too worried about it. One of the things though is that I need to get a hold of HR somehow -- I feel kind of weird asking for the information from one of the managers because I know it'd seem like I have an issue that I'm going above them for, but it's really just for a question I have that they may or may not have an answer for. I suppose I could ask them on the chance they do, but, well, still figuring it out.

Otherwise...Jeep is still due for an inspection. I need to get my ass to AutoZone or something to get new brakes and rotors (luckily just for the front) as well as usual tune-up stuff. Rob said I could use their driveway...I'd kind of prefer my uncle's garage though. It's heated. It's a bitch trying to work on a vehicle when your hands are cold -- I know from experience.

Otherwise...yea, not too much. I'm still playing with that "novel" I was supposed to write last month, adding to it when I remember to, really. I'm all over the place -- I skipped ahead and started working on something that came to mind but wasn't really coming up just yet in the novel. Oh well, that's what I do. And at least I'm working on it, right?

A Better Update

It would figure that after posting that last entry things would simmer down.

I spent a while just being pissed and stressed and upset because, you know, life's shit sometimes. I calmed down after a long while of trying to do research and stuff (and figuring out what kind of debt those medical bills would put me at: bad idea!); my ma asked me what was wrong because she saw I was upset and I just told her stress (I was still trying to figure things out), so she told me if it was financial they would help me out. Later, after she spoke with my pops and he told her about the hospital calling, she told me not to worry about it that workers comp always tries to deny claims and not to pay anything. So, after a few more phone calls, I guess I have to call the workers comp board and get some form or another...it's written on something downstairs...and go from there. She said if that doesn't work we'll get a lawyer.

So...I'm feeling largely better on all of that. Not as stressed, at the very least. Not feeling as if my life is falling apart completely. It still needs to be addressed and everything, but, at least I'm not stuck with those bills on top of what else I owe. Speaking of which...I still need to find a co-signer for a loan. Apparently sometimes credit card companies will negotiate for less if you can pay up front, which might be something I'll look into. I might still need a loan, but at least it would be for less.

I have a few days off in a row the week following Thanksgiving so I think I might try and plan a trip to Syracuse. Try and finally get my rent deposit back. Just need to get a hold of a couple people before I can plan that.

The ACD that had been on my mind for a while seems to have been adopted, which is good! I had serious doubts it would have worked anyways, and it's really probably just as well while I get certain other things sorted out.

Otherwise...tomorrow I'll finally be ordering a new pair of earphones: it's been nearly unbearable having to do without the past several days! I don't do well without earphones apparently...

And I just realized how horribly I'm doing at writing a novel this month. November 20 and I'm still at less than a thousand words. Can you tell I haven't been good about writing it? I would have worked on it lately but, I'm going to go ahead and blame the lack of earphones on that one.

Just the other day this would have been fairly upbeat...

Wow, it's been more than a month since my last entry...

I was going to make this the other day, but, this works.

Uhm...that little crisis of mine is still sticking around and now it's just all over the place. I honestly don't know what's going on there. I seriously think I just need to go and see a career counselor and get that shit figured out.

Otherwise...work hasn't really been that bad lately. I think it's getting better, actually. I think it's a combination of: more experience, having a salon manager (who, personally, I like), and the co-worker who gave me the most grief is no longer there. The work environment's improved I think, and my skills have improved as well as having people who will actually help me out when I need it with a dog -- I just have to work on actually asking, because I don't always do that.

I keep getting asked if I plan on going to academy to be a groomer. I don't know if that's just something they encourage all bathers to do or if they actually think I'm good enough and could be a good groomer...I don't know. I've thought about it I guess, given it thought at least, but I don't really know. I'm leaning towards no because I don't know as I want to commit to it for at least two years...but at the same time my head's telling me: full-time hours, commission, solid work. You know, stuff like that. My head is apparently as confused as I am.

Money situation...I need new work boots, probably new sneakers, I need new headphones/earphones, my Jeep's due for an inspection next month and needs work. Oh yea, there's Christmas too -- a holiday I'm beginning to feel neutral about at best. There's also that whole "I want a second dog" deal. I feel like I'm barely making payments on my credit cards (I only have two) and my truck payment with a little to spare. I feel like I need to get as many hours as I can, even if my schedule is shit, otherwise I'll be fucked. I'm still owed $400 and need at least an oil change on my Jeep before I can go up to get it -- and hopefully I won't have to take the people to small claims. Let's see...what else...I know Jin's due for her yearly and her rabies the beginning of 2011 and next year we're beginning the senior wellness stuff, so we'll see how much that is. Oh, yea, and I found out when I got home today that apparently workers comp is denying payment on the medical bills I accrued one Friday back in August because it's medical-related and not work-related.

I'm...pissed. I'm upset. I have no idea where things are going right now. I can't fucking afford those bills and if I have to fight it legally I don't think I could afford that either. I have to call the hospital: they gave a number to call so I can talk to their workers comp advisor. After fighting all fucking year to avoid bankruptcy I might have to file for it anyways. At fucking 22!

Life's just great...

To think I was on my way home today (it was a pretty good day, too -- I had my favorite St Bernard in for a bath and brush) thinking about an ACD at the SPCA and wondering if I should just give it a shot, see if they still do trials and see if I can convince my ma to give a trial run to see if an ACD could work in the situation after all. To think...

Something tells me my life's falling apart instead...again this year. It was just starting to fucking stabilize too.

I also forgot my iPod at work earlier so I have to drive back up there to pick it up.

Crisis Continued

So I've been thinking more on this crisis of mine...well, not really thinking on it, but rather fussing with it. Entertaining it? That works.

I'm thinking I might see a career counselor.

I took a couple career aptitude tests online (I know, most tests online are bunk, but I had to do something about this little issue of mine). One was really weak and advised a career in advertising and marketing...yea, right. The second one was much more involved, but I'm not gonna say it was anything great. It did say some things which I thought were pretty accurate, but some things that I wasn't entirely sure on...I have to pay for the job matches though. I think I might keep record of what it did provide me with, however.

Hence the idea of seeing a career counselor: try and figure all this shit out. I imagine most people would think I'm losing it or whatever, seeing a career counselor at 22, but I'd much rather get all of this figured out now and get on the right path than wait until I'm 30 and still have no idea what I'm doing. I really need to finally get my life in order. Besides, maybe seeing a therapist about this little crisis might help me with other issues in my life...which, honestly, there is by no means a shortage of.

I really need to find something else jobwise though...apparently two of the four bathers are planning on giving their notice, which pisses me off because of all the shit that's been going on there. I bust my ass only to be lectured about shit I don't need to be lectured about and get fucked over because I'm the only one with open availability and of course the one they go to when they need someone to work additional hours. I don't even really enjoy my job. I'm just too fucking responsible. So take note: being responsible can fuck you over.

Hopefully I can just get my shit together at some point and stop having to stress about everything...is that really so much to ask?

Personal Crisis

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you feel like you don't know where you're going?

I'm sure the answer is probably yes. That's where I feel like I am at the moment. I feel stuck, actually. In a way I have all year but now it's hit me full-force...has me backed up in a corner and has me pinned.

I have no idea where anything in my life is going. I'm hoping it's up, but for all I know I still have another year or more of just being stuck, or I could fall further down this mineshaft and hit bottom again. Could even get lost.

For a while now I thought for sure I had finally found what I want to do with my life. Now I'm second guessing, wondering if it's really what I want to commit my life to. Sure, I could always go back to school for something else or whatever, but I don't feel right pursuing a career with that in mind, with the idea that "well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just go back to school" lingering in the back of my head. I know it's better than nothing, pursuing something is better than just lazing around, but is it really?

I'm keeping my options open on the job front, actually hoping to get out of where I am, but nothing has come of that yet. My longest standing job was a couple of months short of two-years and I haven't really found anything that works since...what does that say?

I'm worried I'll commit to something only to end up finding, shortly afterwards, that it's not what I want to do. That I don't even enjoy it. Sure, it's good to get a feel for a career before deciding on it, but if you can't even get on the path...how do you do that?

There's nothing in this area unless one is a professional or has adequate experience in a management position. Neither is the case for me, really. I want to go back to school, I do, but I don't want to waste time and money by going back when I can't focus and can't juggle everything and end up just dropping the classes to avoid failing them instead.

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis or something, but I'm only 22. I've spent all my life going from wanting to be one thing to another, and now I'm at another point where I just have no fucking idea...and it's depressing. I'm trying to get my life straightened out and everything, but it's not working at all. It hasn't been working for some time now. In fact, I got royally fucked over because I tried too hard to force it to work and progress when in fact I was being foolish. I don't want to make that mistake again. I don't want to push something, pursue something, just to be proven wrong again. Perhaps I'm being overcritical, overthinking things, too cautious, whatever.

I missed numerous signs at one point that something was not meant to be, and by pushing it, believing the adage "where there's a will there's a way" I fucked myself over deep...making a bad situation even worse. I'm still contending with all of that. Now I wonder if I'm getting those same signs with my career path, hell, with my life even...and fucking hell do I want to make that same mistake twice.

I just don't know what to do otherwise...I think about the people who have found a career that they truly love, and that's all I want to do. I'm having one bitch of a time doing that though.

I just needed to get all of this off of my chest and out of my head. I fucking hate thinking about my life, but today I haven't been able to avoid it. Feel free to ignore this entry. It's largely just a rant...

Update, and an Official Decision

It's been a while. Things on the job front have been improving...kind of. My handling skills of the dogs have gotten better (I think) as have a number of other skills -- I'm still not at professional level or anything, but I've only been at it about a month. Despite that...I still wouldn't say that I'm enjoying my job. I'm still keeping my options open, though I don't know when I might have an opportunity to take something else. In the meantime, I'm officially cross-trained for register work as well and will be able to pick up some hours there if I'd like. I actually enjoy register work and always have, but it's a killer on the knees and I've finally gotten mine pretty strong again. Like I said, I'm still keeping my options open (but not expecting anything any time soon).

In other news...took a nice long hike with Jin Tuesday and really enjoyed it, it was a really nice hike. I got some pictures (even managed a few of her). Interestingly part way through the hike Jin alerted to what I imagine was a possible "episode" (syncope) though she's never been with me when I've had anything like that happen. I thought she was just being weird at first until it started to hit me, so I sat down and she waited with me (not nervous at all like she usually is if I sit down on a hike, rather it was her dutiful-type wait like when I slip or fall on a hike); we waited it out and I waited for her to give sign that things were good before standing. We were pretty much good for the rest of the hike. It was pretty amazing. My ma told me to be sure I pay attention to what she's telling me from now on, haha.

My life seems so boring...only other things I can think to mention are a couple decisions I've come to.

First is in regard to my debt. I am not catching up to the fucking thing while it's on my card, so I've decided to speak to my bank about a loan to take care of it. I know it sounds like I'm just moving the debt, but the interest rate will be lower, the payments will be consistent (opposed to all over the place like they are on a card), and I'll actually be able to catch up on it...I have until the 24th to get the loan, because I agreed to a payment that day and I'd like to have that money in my account so when the payment comes out I can immediately follow it with a payment for the total balance. Not sure how it works with an automatic payment (it's just for this month), hence the waiting until after it's taken out of my account. I agreed to it and then, after the call, realized my car payment is three days afterwards...I'd have the amount in my account for one or the other, but not both. Maybe once that's taken care of I can start paying on car insurance as well...yay!

All right, second decision. I've been all over the place on this one lately, but...I think I'm going to put off getting a second dog until a later date. No set date, of course, but I need to get my financials in order and possibly a different job as well. A job with a regular schedule seems to be elusive as of late...

It's a side-effect of finally "growing up" this year. I've been really critical of decisions in 2010, thinking them over (almost to death, and sometimes to the death of the "possibility") to be sure to avoid mistakes, especially mistakes I've made at least once in the past. This is kind of a decision that was cemented just today, but a decision I'm going to stick to nonetheless. I just don't feel I can bring a second dog into the mix, not when I'm still worrying about getting bills paid and keeping money in my account. I refuse to count on/rely upon anything happening either (i.e. getting a dog because this will happen, or that will happen, and things will be good) because shit happens, in my life especially, and that thing could end up not happening and fucking things up. It's not pessimistic, for anyone considering telling me that: it's realistic. It's happened many a time before, and it's about time I learned a lesson from it.

So, for now, it will remain as just Jin and I. I won't even get a mouse or anything (that's how bad my financials are at the moment). Once things are settled and my life is back on track and remaining there for a bit, then I'll return to the search for a second dog.

As for Syd: he had a meeting with an interested adopter the 11th and I believe it went well because he's no longer on the site. Good for him! The boy deserves a great family! In a way it works as well because, it turns out, I wasn't ready anyways.