Crisis Continued

So I've been thinking more on this crisis of mine...well, not really thinking on it, but rather fussing with it. Entertaining it? That works.

I'm thinking I might see a career counselor.

I took a couple career aptitude tests online (I know, most tests online are bunk, but I had to do something about this little issue of mine). One was really weak and advised a career in advertising and marketing...yea, right. The second one was much more involved, but I'm not gonna say it was anything great. It did say some things which I thought were pretty accurate, but some things that I wasn't entirely sure on...I have to pay for the job matches though. I think I might keep record of what it did provide me with, however.

Hence the idea of seeing a career counselor: try and figure all this shit out. I imagine most people would think I'm losing it or whatever, seeing a career counselor at 22, but I'd much rather get all of this figured out now and get on the right path than wait until I'm 30 and still have no idea what I'm doing. I really need to finally get my life in order. Besides, maybe seeing a therapist about this little crisis might help me with other issues in my life...which, honestly, there is by no means a shortage of.

I really need to find something else jobwise though...apparently two of the four bathers are planning on giving their notice, which pisses me off because of all the shit that's been going on there. I bust my ass only to be lectured about shit I don't need to be lectured about and get fucked over because I'm the only one with open availability and of course the one they go to when they need someone to work additional hours. I don't even really enjoy my job. I'm just too fucking responsible. So take note: being responsible can fuck you over.

Hopefully I can just get my shit together at some point and stop having to stress about everything...is that really so much to ask?

Personal Crisis

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you feel like you don't know where you're going?

I'm sure the answer is probably yes. That's where I feel like I am at the moment. I feel stuck, actually. In a way I have all year but now it's hit me full-force...has me backed up in a corner and has me pinned.

I have no idea where anything in my life is going. I'm hoping it's up, but for all I know I still have another year or more of just being stuck, or I could fall further down this mineshaft and hit bottom again. Could even get lost.

For a while now I thought for sure I had finally found what I want to do with my life. Now I'm second guessing, wondering if it's really what I want to commit my life to. Sure, I could always go back to school for something else or whatever, but I don't feel right pursuing a career with that in mind, with the idea that "well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just go back to school" lingering in the back of my head. I know it's better than nothing, pursuing something is better than just lazing around, but is it really?

I'm keeping my options open on the job front, actually hoping to get out of where I am, but nothing has come of that yet. My longest standing job was a couple of months short of two-years and I haven't really found anything that works since...what does that say?

I'm worried I'll commit to something only to end up finding, shortly afterwards, that it's not what I want to do. That I don't even enjoy it. Sure, it's good to get a feel for a career before deciding on it, but if you can't even get on the path...how do you do that?

There's nothing in this area unless one is a professional or has adequate experience in a management position. Neither is the case for me, really. I want to go back to school, I do, but I don't want to waste time and money by going back when I can't focus and can't juggle everything and end up just dropping the classes to avoid failing them instead.

I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis or something, but I'm only 22. I've spent all my life going from wanting to be one thing to another, and now I'm at another point where I just have no fucking idea...and it's depressing. I'm trying to get my life straightened out and everything, but it's not working at all. It hasn't been working for some time now. In fact, I got royally fucked over because I tried too hard to force it to work and progress when in fact I was being foolish. I don't want to make that mistake again. I don't want to push something, pursue something, just to be proven wrong again. Perhaps I'm being overcritical, overthinking things, too cautious, whatever.

I missed numerous signs at one point that something was not meant to be, and by pushing it, believing the adage "where there's a will there's a way" I fucked myself over deep...making a bad situation even worse. I'm still contending with all of that. Now I wonder if I'm getting those same signs with my career path, hell, with my life even...and fucking hell do I want to make that same mistake twice.

I just don't know what to do otherwise...I think about the people who have found a career that they truly love, and that's all I want to do. I'm having one bitch of a time doing that though.

I just needed to get all of this off of my chest and out of my head. I fucking hate thinking about my life, but today I haven't been able to avoid it. Feel free to ignore this entry. It's largely just a rant...